After divorce, before divorce (eBook)

Divorce (survival) and new start handbook not just for divorced people

László Hanvay (Autor)

eBook Download: EPUB

2019 | 1. Auflage
107 Seiten
Hanvay László (Verlag)
978-0-00-102285-0 (ISBN)

Infos

The book aims to help people in a spousal relationship that has slowly turned into a domestic worker to refresh their relationship, as well as people who are facing an unexpected divorce from their partner, so that they do not emerge from the divorce financially devastated and bereft. I also offer sensible advice on how to survive and recover after divorce.

The book also includes shorter and longer testimonies and interviews, reinforcing what is said in each unit of reflection.

The book is not only an encouragement that it is possible to recover from such trauma; it also gives guidance on how to do so.

Textauszug

Chapter 2: Practical advice before, during and after court proceedings

 

In this section, I share some practical and very practical ideas about the divorce phase of life as you move towards and through divorce.

 

However, I would like to point out that in the period following the announcement of their spouse's intention to divorce, many people think that their relationship can still be saved; and believe that there is still hope; when in fact the other party's decision is final and they are working full steam ahead on the divorce. Some divorcees, and not a few, are very nice in order to fleece and trick the other person, so that they can create hope in the other person by being nice, and trust in themselves. Hope that all is not lost, that perhaps the relationship can still be salvaged. Confidence that the other person is not lost to us and that the one we love is still there.

 

So the following advice is worth heeding even if it turns out that the smoke was bigger than the flame and the divorce tragicomedy was just a "little getaway".

 

Important advice before and during divorce proceedings - don't believe the divorcee!50

 

Don't make a move without a lawyer!

 

When your former partner proves intransigent and it becomes clear to you that the nightmare from which you had hoped to wake up is not going away, but is inevitably entering the courtroom, the moment comes to decide on a lawyer, an agreement between you, children, money, belongings, real and personal property.

 

Your former partner may come up with a great idea that is supposed to be cost-saving: get a joint lawyer to handle the divorce. That way, the inevitable paperwork will only cost you both half as much, and it's what you talk to each other about that counts anyway.

 

If you are the cheated and abandoned party, then you want nothing more than to survive and get over it. Well, you will get over it, it's just a matter of how.

 

Here are some things you need to think about:

- What looks cheaper at first glance can be very expensive in the long run and you may regret it forever.

- If you are working with a joint lawyer, whoever pays the lawyer and contacts him or her will be representing the interests of that lawyer. A divorce is not a sale and purchase, where it may really be enough to have a single lawyer who rather just "oversees" the sale as guardian ad litem.

- What you have discussed between you, trust only as much as the one who has stolen your heart and soul. So much for what you are now trying to persuade me to do with honeyed words and brilliant reasoning.

- He has been preparing for the whole affair for who knows how long, so he has a positional advantage; while you have drifted into this situation unprepared, with a worn-out soul and frazzled nerves.

 

First of all, you need a good friend or relative who can be trusted completely and in every way. He or she will hopefully not want to cut short what should not be done because it can only be done at his or her expense.

 

Be aware that he is not - and cannot be - a substitute for a good divorce lawyer51 ! He or she is merely there to "hold your hand" when you want to get something over with on a "whatever it takes" basis52 . And of course it's good to pour your heart out to someone who will listen and hear you out, who you can even vent to.

 

Second, get a good divorce53 lawyer. Educate yourself about your rights, possible legal outcomes and options. There are countries - e.g. Germany or Austria - where there is a fair way of determining54 what child support the departing party must pay to help support and raise the offspring on a monthly basis55 . Many countries allow for a personal agreement based on free will, whereby the parties can agree to deviate from the support normally set by law. Even downwards. So it may not be that your former partner, who is about to leave the community in England, will present you with the best solution. Be sure to check his or her claims with your professional divorce lawyer.

 

In that tortured moment, you just want to get it over with, and so your primary concern is to shorten the moments of suffering, the court proceedings. You're even prepared to make sacrifices: "two more for him or two less for you, just get it over with!"

That's all well and good - and understandable - but after the divorce your life will change radically. You may have to move. You may have to support the children on one salary. Many friends' attitudes and relationships with you will change. Even your relationship with your parents and siblings will not be the same56 .

 

If you didn't take care of paying the bills and the loans before, you may be surprised at how much it costs to live in general; to maintain a home. You may well have arrears, debts to service providers or repayments. Your credit card may be long gone or you may be in debt. [Those who develop a secret relationship have many secret costs associated with the new relationship. The meetings (motel rooms, lunches, gifts) all cost money. He had to find them without you knowing about it. Few people can do that by pure means.] Don't be surprised if the joint bank accounts have unknowingly run down or even evaporated because your departing spouse has moved the joint assets out into "his or her own space".

 

Until then, you are facing an unfamiliar new lifestyle, with unfamiliar tasks and unknown financial implications.

 

Do not rush and do not let yourself be rushed!

 

You can't afford to put yourself and your children in limbo in the long term just because you want to get it over with in the short term and shorten the emotional suffering of the divorce process57 .

 

You should also be aware that the one who is leaving - who has been living a double life for a long time - is very sensibly preparing the financial foundations of his new life. He is already one step ahead. He knows he wants to start another relationship because he un you; you don't. He knew he was dating someone else; you didn't. He is in the process of experiencing a mental and physical separation from you; you have been struck by the news. He also reckoned with the financial implications of continuing; you have to face this too in that state of mind where your brain is barely working, you can't sleep or concentrate, and you almost wish for death. - Do you think that someone who has cheated on you and is about to leave you for another person wants to act in the spirit of fair play58 when it comes to finances?

 

Whatever he or she says, don't believe him or her until you've discussed every single sentence with a professional - a professional divorce lawyer. Misunderstandings and hindsight

to avoid "memory lapses", insist that all discussions and negotiations on the closure of the joint past are in writing. As verbal communication cannot be ruled out, and it is perhaps inadvisable if it works to some extent between the two of you, if something is said verbally, insist that it is also put in writing. An e-mail is sufficient for this. I cannot stress enough: before you say yes to anything, check every word and every letter with your lawyer. A well-meaning friend is not enough. You can even delude yourself that "he is different, and you don't have to be so afraid of being fooled, it's his children etc. etc.", but you should rather be pleasantly surprised than wake up in a fever dream with a huge disappointment.

 

Never let him rush you and use S.O.S. deadlines to get you to sign anything in a dog's ear! If there's a fight - and there will be, I guarantee it (he argues and threatens, cajoles and shouts) - don't sign anything until your lawyer has seen the document in person.

 

Immediate action advice - so you don't get caught up in the maelstrom

 

Don't give in to depression

 

Here are some reasons why you shouldn't.

 

Think of your former partner as someone who would like to see you like this: as a miserable person who can't do anything without him, this should give you the motivation not to give him that pleasure59 .

 

Think that you have children who are also suffering from what has happened, and for whom you can be a great role model, seen as a great fighter who will stand up after the biggest slap and knockout and keep going; this should be a motivation.

 

Raising your children is a great project. Be motivated to give them life and faith!

 

Show the world that you are valuable!

 

Think that, if for no other reason, then for your own sake, you will show that you will not let yourself be defeated by another man's despicableness.

 

Think about it: you want to ruin yourself and the children for someone who has abandoned you?

 

Do you think that the past is all that matters and the future doesn't exist? You value the past while ignoring the future60 . There is always hope in the future, there is possibility in the future, there is the possibility of renewal in the future.

 

Clean and change

 

Step out of depression.

 

Get out of bed, open the blinds, open the window, let the light and fresh air in. Don't make excuses like "OK, but I'll do it tomorrow".

 

Today is the first day of the rest of your life!

 

May this fill you with hope, joy and curiosity! You can even be grateful that you have a new...

Produkt-Details

• Erscheint lt. Verlag: 8.4.2019
• Sprache: englisch
• Themenwelt: Sachbuch/Ratgeber ► Gesundheit / Leben / Psychologie ► Partnerschaft / Sexualität
• ISBN-10: 0-00-102285-7 / 0001022857
• ISBN-13: 978-0-00-102285-0 / 9780001022850