Navigating Loss (eBook)

Wisdom and self-care for times of grief and the challenges of life

Heather Stang (Autor)

eBook Download: EPUB

2024
144 Seiten
CICO Books (Verlag)
978-1-80065-397-9 (ISBN)

Infos

With these self-care and mindfulness practices, discover a path through the uncharted, invisible territory of grief and learn how you can change, grow and heal through the different types of losses in life. Grounded in author Heather Stang's expertise and heartfelt desire to relieve suffering, Navigating Loss explores the invisible, often minimised, nature of grief in a variety of losses, from ageing or illness to redundancy, estrangement or even seasonal loss. Find strength in the unseen through the practical actions of meditation, journalling, creativity and physical self-care as you cultivate presence to tend to your pain and honour your loss. This is your journey on your terms - a refreshing approach to grieving that which you no longer have - with the supportive tools, attitudes and insights necessary to find your way, embrace change and emerge with a deeper understanding of yourself and the world around you.

Textauszug

FINDING SUPPORT WHEN YOUR GRIEF IS DISMISSED

Imagine hiking up a steep slope through a dense, unfamiliar forest, carrying a heavy backpack. A group of hikers descend past you, smiling and oblivious to your struggle. Shortly after, another group passes by. They can tell you are straining with every step, but instead of offering help, they quicken their pace to move by as fast as possible. Finally, a group of well-outfitted, athletic types sprint by, mumbling under their breath that maybe you should be better prepared the next time you try to climb such a difficult mountain. Their message is painfully clear: you don’t have the right to be here.

When your grief is unseen, ignored, or belittled, it stings. In those moments, it helps to turn to a well-meaning soul who cares enough to share a moment of silence, hug you when you need it, or offer just the right words at the right time. Someone who understands that there is no one right way to do this, and gives you the dignity to grieve how you need to, and at your own pace. But unfortunately, the saying that grief rewrites your address book is often true; it’s a startling realization when familiar sources of support fall short of providing the comfort you desperately seek in times of loss.

Even the people closest to you, especially those who are struggling with the same emotional load as you, may not have the bandwidth to meet your needs. A skilled grief therapist or loss support group can help validate your feelings, teach you strategies to cope with your pain, and guide you through adapting to life after loss while fostering resilience. In Chapters 3–9, I’ll share some of my favorite techniques that I offer in my online grief support group, Awaken. I also want to emphasize my faith in the transformative power of peer support groups. With proper guidance and facilitation, what may initially feel like a gathering of strangers soon evolves into a circle of compassionate friends, each member supporting the other through their journey of grief and healing.

You may also find this kind of magic in surprising places. I recently attended a machine knitting group (a rare vintage form of crafting), where during the bits of small talk a few people shared the hardships they were facing. One woman was widowed, another a bereaved mother, a few going through a divorce. Each person was acknowledged and comforted, asked questions, and not shut down. No one showed up for a grief group, and yet everyone walked away feeling seen and heard. This is humanity at its best.

Unfortunately, not everyone is this kind. Like our hiker from earlier in the chapter, the people in your life will exhibit a range of reactions: some supportive, others indifferent or even harshly dismissive. Without supportive people in your life, it is easy to feel isolated, stuck, and devoid of hope. But I want to encourage you to seek out individuals and groups that make you feel seen and comforted. I know this is extra hard when you’re grieving, and ideally, the right people would just appear when we need them. But often, we have to advocate for ourselves to find the support we need.

DOMINIQUE’S STORY:

FINDING PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND YOU

Dominique and Richard’s first date felt like something out of a dream—a marathon eight hours that left Dominique feeling seen and understood for the first time in a long while. But amid the whirlwind of new romance, there were faint signs that things were too good to be true. Richard was still legally married, a fact that gnawed at Dominique’s conscience, even as she tried to rationalize her feelings away.

As the weeks turned into months, Dominique found herself increasingly involved in Richard’s life. He was quick to declare her his girlfriend, bypassing any conversation about what they both wanted from the relationship. It was flattering, certainly, but so rushed it raised a red flag that fluttered at the edge of Dominique’s awareness. He expressed his affection by showering her with gifts, but though she couldn’t put her finger on it at the time, she was missing real emotional intimacy.

Dominique focused on supporting Richard through his divorce, often at the expense of her own needs. She fought beside him for custody of his dog, Jake, and went above and beyond to care for him during this tumultuous time. But as her efforts intensified, Richard’s reciprocity began to wane. The balance shifted; the more Dominique gave, the less he seemed willing to return. When Dominique addressed this, Richard lashed out, his words cutting deep. He accused her of being selfish, of failing to appreciate the time they did spend together—a classic case of gaslighting that left Dominique questioning her own perceptions and feelings.

When Dominique’s beloved cat died, it shook her to the core. “Maggie was my ‘favorite’ of my three fur children. She was the first cat that I lost, and my kitties mean everything to me, especially since I don’t have kids and never got remarried after a divorce at a young age.” Dominique was already grieving the death of her grandmother just one year earlier, and her cat was one of her strongest supports.

When she asked Richard to come over for comfort, he told her he was busy, and didn’t show up until several days later. This broke her heart. When he finally showed up, he was anything but helpful, a stark reminder of the emotional chasm between them. Her grief, so palpable and all-consuming, was met with indifference, making her feel isolated in her sorrow.

“Richard said I was being very weak about my losses,” Dominique shared during one of the Awaken grief support program meetings. “He feels the grief group is a constant reminder of my losses and is hurting me more than helping me.” Hearing her story, the other members expressed their sadness over the lack of support. They were also baffled by his complete misunderstanding of how powerful it can be to share your feelings and experiences with others. The message that her feelings were valid empowered her to speak her truth to Richard, and she returned the next week still sad, but feeling more grounded in her truth.

The next week she shared, “I told him I thought it was really sad that he thinks tears are a sign of weakness. I explained that I feel people who can’t tap into their emotions are truly the weak ones because they are too scared to face the challenges that emotions bring along. To hear these words from him was devastating.” Ultimately, the realization that Richard could not offer the empathy and support she needed in her moment of vulnerability was a turning point. “Although I was still not in a good place, I was as ready as I could be for my next loss—the loss of ‘the love of my life’ and the dreams I had for our future. I could not bear to be treated this way anymore. I knew deep down I deserved more, even though it was going to hurt like hell.”

DISENFRANCHISED GRIEF: THE SOCIAL LENS OF LOSS

Richard’s inability to support Dominique was colored by his own aversion to vulnerability, and was likely influenced by accepted—but erroneous—social attitudes toward what counts as a loss. This disenfranchised grief is what happens when others fail to recognize the significance of a loss, either because the loss is not openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned. This lack of recognition and validation can have lasting negative effects on the grieving person, including feelings of isolation, loneliness, and misunderstanding.

Social expectations around grief can prevent other people from providing the support you urgently need, and may also discourage you from asking for it, lest you be met with shame or rejection. When support is denied, grief symptoms such as prolonged sadness, anxiety, depression, and somatic discomfort are often more pronounced. Dr Ken Doka, who coined this term, proposes five categories of disenfranchised grief, outlined below. As you read, you may find that any one loss may span several categories.

DISENFRANCHISED LOSSES

Losses that are perceived as inconsequential to others may hold a deep meaning for the grieving person: pet loss and intangible losses such as the death of a dream, safety, security, and losses that lack clarity or a defined end point. One common but no less painful loss is the “social death” that is experienced by dementia patients and their families, where they are physically present but psychologically disconnected. Alternatively, this can happen when someone is physically absent but remains a significant psychological presence, as with cases of brain death, missing persons, or adoption.

DISENFRANCHISED GRIEVERS

Particular groups of people, including the very young, the elderly, and individuals with developmental disabilities or neurodiverse ways of processing emotion often experience a lack of recognition or support during a loss. This can extend to anyone who doesn’t fit the conventional expectations of “what a grieving person should look like.” Such oversight not only marginalizes their experiences but also deprives them of the essential communal support needed to navigate the journey of grief.

DISENFRANCHISED RELATIONSHIPS

Grief support in Western cultures is often limited to the death of kin, to close immediate family or legally acknowledged partnerships. This overlooks the rich tapestry of relationships we have with mentors, colleagues, friends, classmates, or even online friends. Relationships that are often disenfranchised include ex-spouses, affair partners, LGBTQ+ relationships, and even...

Produkt-Details

• Erscheint lt. Verlag: 12.11.2024
• Verlagsort: London
• Sprache: englisch
• Themenwelt: Sachbuch/Ratgeber ► Gesundheit / Leben / Psychologie ► Lebenshilfe / Lebensführung
• Schlagworte: Coronavirus • Grief • how to cope with death • how to mourn • journalling • Loss • Mindfulness • Motivational • Mourning • Self Help • Self-Help • TIPS
• ISBN-10: 1-80065-397-2 / 1800653972
• ISBN-13: 978-1-80065-397-9 / 9781800653979