Canadian Nights (eBook)

Katharine Campbell (Autor)

eBook Download: EPUB

2021 | 1. Auflage
176 Seiten
Bookbaby (Verlag)
978-1-0983-8705-1 (ISBN)

Infos

All of the short stories in this collection are true. Okay, so maybe they aren't true per se, but they are based on true stories. Actually based, is kind of a strong word. Inspired by true events is a bit more accurate. For example, it's true that you get a lovely view of Mt. Rainier if you are flying south from SeaTac on a clear day. However, the bit about the dragons circling the top of the mountain is entirely fictional. I will not apologize for such fabrications. I truly believe they make life more interesting. The Canadian Nights is a collection of comedy fairy tales set in a universe almost identical to our own-almost.

Katy Campbell still thinks it's weird to write about herself in the third person, which is why I am switching to the first person immediately. I now have thirty years of life experience behind me and have carefully documented my most insightful experiences in this book. That's right, all sixteen of the short stories in this collection are true. Okay, so maybe they're not true per se, but they are based on true stories. Actually, 'based' is a bit of a strong word. They are inspired by true stories. For example, as a frequent traveler, I have seen the top of Mt. Rainier from my airplane window many times. However, the detail about the dragons flying around the top? I added that when I was writing Love is in the Air. I will not apologize for such fabrications. I truly believe they make life more interesting.

---

The president of the United States has a giant red button on his desk. If he ever chose to push this button, it would send the world into chaos. This button is for emergencies only and is designed to break the internet. How do I know this button exists? Please, everyone knows it exists. In The Canadian Nights, this infamous button is pressed while the Canadian prime minister is live streaming a hockey game. Without hockey to vent his pent-up aggression, the Canadian prime minister snaps. He stops saying "e;please"e; and "e;thank you"e;. He pushes past people without saying "e;excuse me"e;. He even litters. That's right he drops a gum wrapper on the sidewalk and doesn't pick it up. Worst of all, he has all US citizens on Canadian soil arrested and declares he will throw one to a horde of angry beavers every day until the President restores the internet. But one brave US citizen, Amala Patel, comes up with a plan to stop the carnage. She volunteers to be the next victim on the condition that the prime minister listen to her tell a story before her mauling. The bored, internet-starved prime minister agrees and becomes so enthralled by her fables that he continually postpones her mauling so he can hear more. The Canadian Nights is a compilation of Amala's sixteen best fables.

Textauszug

4

Scott the CEO

Scott Allen finally achieved his lifelong dream. The company he founded was about to go public. After a long career full of struggle and failure, success came in the form of a little finger protector for people who use touch screens.

A typical review from online retail sites looked like this:

Five stars: “The skin on my index finger was almost completely worn through from using touch screens all day until I found this handy thing! What a life saver!”

The company was called Tap Pro Inc. (TP for short) and in thirteen years they went from a one-man operation with a single finger protector model to a multinational organization with a dozen products for every person in every imaginable scenario.

Scott invented the product by cutting the finger off one of his gloves. As Scott hired more engineers, the product became more practical. The newer models resembled a contact lens that stuck on the fingertip. They were sleek. They were sexy. All the cool kids had one.

It was 12:00 a.m. the day before the initial public offering. After a long evening of celebrating with his colleagues, Scott returned to his office. His plan was simply to collect his briefcase and head home, but he was so intoxicated with his success (and also with alcohol), that he decided to flop into his chair and scroll through the product reviews one more time.

He pulled out his phone and drank in the words of his admiring public. To think he came from nothing and was now a millionaire. It was everything he ever wanted. He sighed. He was a month short of sixty. His father died at… he tried to think… seventy-three?

He endured a lifetime of failure for what? So he could enjoy thirteen years of success?

“Oh, how I wish I could endure as long as this great company of mine!” he bemoaned.

“Who are you talking to?” came a voice.

Scott startled. He hadn’t realized he was speaking aloud. He looked wildly around the room before spotting her. She was standing directly in front of him.

She was wearing a suit with a knee length pencil skirt and heels so high they might as well have been stilts. She had a short power cut and modern glasses with thick blue frames. Her gaze was fixed on her phone.

Her appearance was flawless. There wasn’t a crease on her blazer, or a stray hair on her head. It was almost like she had her clothes dry cleaned onto herself.

“Who are you?” he asked, bewildered.

“I am Eda the business fairy,” she replied, without looking up from her phone. “Didn’t you just make a wish?”

Scott squinted at her. “If you are a fairy, then why don’t you have any wings?”

“Fairies don’t actually have wings, Mr. Allen. Humans just draw us that way because…” She looked up, thinking for a moment. “I honestly have no idea why.”

Scott scrutinized her a moment more. “Okay,” he said. “If you are who you say you are, prove it! Do some magic.”

“How about I answer all your password security questions?” she suggested.

“Alright. Go on! Go on!”

“Your mother’s maiden name is Smith, you went to Mackerel Valley High School, and your first pet’s name was Fluffy1234. (Well, the numbers aren’t actually part of the name. You just added them to make the answer harder to guess.)”

Scott’s bloodshot eyes widened. He was amazed.

“So you really are a fairy!” he exclaimed.

Technology was not Scott’s strong suit, and he could never find the time to take the quarterly cyber security training. So, while Eda was a real fairy, she wasn’t answering Scott’s password questions by magic. She was looking at his Wikipedia page. (She’d guessed about the numbers at the end of Fluffy’s name.)

Scott was too excited to notice. “This must be some kind of a fairy tale, or, or maybe a fable!” He was ecstatic but collected himself enough to explain: “A fable is a short story with a mor–”

“Thank you, Mr. Allen,” she answered. “I am a fairy. I know what a fable is.”

“If this is a fairy tale, then I must be the hero!”

“Hmmm…” thought Eda with a little shrug. “Protagonist, sure.”

“And I can wish for anything?”

“Well, anything business related,” she replied. “I’ll have to refer you to another fairy for other requests. And you said something about wanting to endure like your company or whatever, so do you want it or not?”

“More than anything!” Scott answered.

“Cool, I’ve got a meeting in five so let me just…” she tapped her phone a couple of times and flipped it around revealing some text and a signature line. “Check the box that says you’ve read and agreed to all the terms and conditions, then sign with your finger.”

Scott checked the box. He hadn’t read all the terms and conditions of course, but since no one ever does, he didn’t worry. He signed.

The fairy took her phone back and raised an eyebrow. His signature was illegible even when he used a ballpoint pen. A touch screen made it horrifying.

She shrugged and pocketed her phone. “We’re all set, Mr. Allen. Your health is now directly intertwined with that of Tap Pro Inc. When TP is doing well, so will you. If TP is doing poorly, you will also.”

“Wait,” Scott said. “…intertwined with TP? That’s not what I wished for!”

“It states very clearly in the terms and–”

“Right, right, of course!” he interjected. “Yes, clearly.”

He wasn’t worried. After all, TP was thriving. What could possibly go wrong?

Eda gave him a firm handshake. “Get some sleep, Mr. Allen,” she said. “You’ve got a bell to ring tomorrow.”

Scott pulled his car keys out of his pocket as Eda turned to leave.

“You’re not driving, are you?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” he insisted. “Have you seen my phone?”

“You’re holding it, Mr. Allen,” she answered, pulling out her own.

“Would you look at that!” he observed with a laugh and a shake of his head.

Eda tapped on her phone a couple of times. “Go down to the lobby, Mr. Allen. In a few moments, a magical, driverless car will arrive to take you home.”

Once again, Scott was amazed.

For the next year, Scott felt better than ever before. He woke without aches and pains, ran without losing his breath, and even resumed playing sports when he had the time.

His friends and family noticed he looked better but couldn’t determine what was different.

Stocks were rising, reviews were gushing, business was booming, and the company grew. Every employee from the vice president of accounting to the cubical cleaner’s intern was going above and beyond because they felt like they were part of something great.

Then one day, as Scott sat in a conference watching one of his executives present. He sneezed.

The sensation shocked him. You might think it strange that a sneeze would shock anyone, but Scott had gone a full year without sneezing once.

“…So as you can see,” the exec droned, pointing to a line chart. “This black line is going up and this redline is going down. This means my organization is doing useful things. Can we have more money?”

Scott was still staring into his hand. He sniffled. “Um… sorry, can you say that last part again?”

Unfortunately, things only got worse for Scott. Over the next few weeks, he was plagued by sniffles and sneezes of all kinds. He found himself carrying dozens of tissue packets with him everywhere and entering panics when he ran out. A colleague suggested it was spring allergies. But Scott didn’t believe this because he never had allergies and it wasn’t spring.

He remembered his contract with Eda but felt certain that couldn’t be causing the problems. After all, if TP was doing well, he should be also.

Then his personal assistant politely suggested that perhaps he was under stress and should take a vacation. Scott was delighted with this diagnosis and in short order found himself lying on a beach in Belize. He was reading a book he purchased at the airport newsstand. It was titled: Tried and True: Old School Tactics for Driving Your Modern Business.

With his ball cap, Hawaiian shirt, khaki shorts, and sandals over white socks, he was an abomination in the eyes of fashion. The salt air and warm sand didn’t make him feel any less sneezy, but at least he was getting some R&R.

“Enjoying yourself, Mr. Allen?” came a familiar voice.

Scott sat bolt upright. Strolling across the sand was Eda.

Scott would have been alarmed by her sudden appearance had he not been so distracted by her feet. She was wearing the very same pair of heels as the day they met, but they did not sink into the sand as she crossed the beach.

“You shouldn’t walk on sand in shoes like that,” Scott observed. “Heels are the leading cause of foot injuries in women.”

Eda smiled sweetly. “Thank you, Mr. Allen. I really don’t know how I’ve survived all these thousands of years without you around to tell me these...

Produkt-Details

• Erscheint lt. Verlag: 16.7.2021
• Sprache: englisch
• Themenwelt: Literatur ► Comic / Humor / Manga
• ISBN-10: 1-0983-8705-8 / 1098387058
• ISBN-13: 978-1-0983-8705-1 / 9781098387051